My Favorite Person

“With realization of one’s own potential and self-confidence in one’s ability, one can build a better world.”

– Dalai Lama

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to feel confident most of the time? To not be afraid of saying the wrong thing, doing the wrong thing, and believing in your ability to get what you put your mind into. Imagine not caring about what other people think of you…

Picture this: two friends having drinks at a bar. One is supermodel-gorgeous, smart, and funny, yet you can tell she is self-aware; she can’t take compliments and measures every word during social interactions. The other girl is not as pretty, but oh boy, isn’t she magnetic? She walks like she owns the room, and you can tell she is not even trying to get attention.

If looks, intelligence, and a good sense of humor won’t grant you confidence. What does?

Allow me to share a personal story.

My Teenage Struggles with Self-Esteem

It’s not uncommon for a teenager to have low self-esteem. I remember looking at myself in the mirror and crying sometimes because I felt ugly. The thought of someone seeing what I saw scared me, so I found a quick fix in my eyeliner. Every day before leaving home for school I painted my eyes; suddenly my face appeared less hideous and everything was okay. One day, in a hurry, I forgot to color my eyes. I ran back to the house to fetch my eyeliner as if my life depended on it.

Building Confidence by Playing Smart.

When I turned eighteen, I did some modeling on the side to provide additional income for my family. If I was insecure before, imagine the wonders casting rejections did to my self-esteem. As frustrating as it was, I still needed the money, so I leveraged my social media presence to book modeling jobs, and it worked. Before I knew it, I was working more than my friends, not because I was prettier, but because I played smart. That was the beginning of my confidence.

The Secret to ”Perfect Beauty”

I had the rare opportunity of seeing myself in magazines, wearing beautiful gowns, with perfect lighting, and professional hair and makeup. I realized it takes a whole team of experts to make an ordinary beauty look “perfect.” After that divine revelation, I feel comfortable leaving the house bare-faced.

The Decisive Role of Small Victories in Building Confidence.

What really built my confidence were the small victories; being able to give my mom the money to repair the roof or helping my friends book jobs because my schedule was full. I started my first business at 19 with my now-ex-boyfriend, and I met brilliant people who inspired me to think bigger. Then there is the self-esteem boost that comes from overcoming difficult times, the silent understanding that if you survived loss, sickness, and heartbreak, you can face anything that comes your way.

Understanding Confidence, Self-Esteem, and Ego

Due to their similarities, confidence, self-esteem, and ego are easy to confuse, but in fact, they are quite different psychological attributes.

How to Increase Your Confidence and Self-Esteem

Now, let’s jump to the real reason why you are here. I present you seven tips to increase your confidence and self-esteem.

1. Challenge Yourself

Set small, achievable short-term goals. Once you accomplish them, set higher goals and aim up. This way, you’ll lose the fear of failure and jump on opportunities with almost no hesitation.

You probably already know at least three things you could use as personal challenges, but in case you need a little help, consider these:

• Volunteer: Engaging in volunteer work can help you feel more connected to others and more confident in your ability to make a difference. Choose a cause you care about and commit a small amount of time each week.
• Set a Reading Goal: Choose a book or a series of articles on a topic you’re interested in and commit to reading for a set amount of time each day. This can enhance your knowledge and give you more topics to discuss confidently with others.
• Set a Daily Compliment Goal: Compliment one person each day. This boosts others and encourages positive interactions that can enhance your own self-esteem.
• Try a New Activity: Sign up for a class or try a new hobby that interests you. Whether it’s cooking, yoga, or photography, learning new skills can boost your confidence.
• Improve Your Posture: Maintain good posture throughout the day. Standing tall with your shoulders back can improve your health and naturally increase your confidence.

2. Redefine Your Concept of Failure

Low self-esteem says, “Failure is my fault; I am not good enough.”

High self-esteem says, “Failure is an opportunity to learn and improve. I’m glad I tried, and I will keep on trying until I succeed.”

The truth is everybody fails at least a dozen times. Why would you put so much pressure on yourself to be perfect? Would you rather stand still for the rest of your life and go nowhere? I don’t think so. Make peace with the fact that you might fail and take the fact that you tried as a win. Who knows, maybe you’ll even succeed.

3. Set Realistic Expectations

It sounds terrible, I know. Nobody wants to be “realistic,” but life is short, and we must be wise with our time. For example, I have zero dancing skills, and while I can go to classes and become a decent dancer, I won’t be a prima ballerina because talent can’t be forced. On the other hand, I love to write. I hope to become the best writer I can be, and that feels possible for me.

Don’t limit yourself. You can improve at anything you work on but choose something you can excel at.

4. Surround Yourself with Confident and Admirable People

This is not an opinion; this is science. Mirror neurons¹ in our brains respond when we see someone perform an action, helping us understand and empathize with others. If you surround yourself with positive, supportive, and confident people, chances are your self-esteem will increase.

If you feel awkward around confident people, remember it’s about who you’re becoming, not who you are now. Plus, it can boost your self-esteem if someone you admire gives you a compliment or helpful advice. Leave your comfort zone, put on your extrovert suit, and hang out with the good crowd.

5. Mirror Mirror on the Wall…

A major self-esteem indicator is liking what you see in the mirror and feeling free to get out of the house in your bare face and messy hair. Overproduction is expensive and time-consuming; don’t let your self-image rely on it.

Instead, try to:

1. Work on your skin.
2. Find a haircut and hair color that suit your features.
3. Work on your body.

Once you are at peace with your image in all of its stages, you win the battle.

6. Say NO

There’s no better sign of high self-esteem than knowing how to say no. People with high self-esteem understand the importance of setting boundaries and prioritizing their own well-being. They confidently make decisions based on their values and needs, rather than trying to please everyone.

I saw a video recently on this subject, and the narrator said something that resonated with me: Every yes is a no to something else. Saying yes to a job you don’t want or a partner who hurts you is saying no to the possibility of your dream job and a person who values you.

If you want to learn how to quit people pleasing, I wrote about it right here

7. Define Yourself, So Others Won’t Have To

How can you cultivate high self-esteem if you don’t really know who you are? I don’t blame you; we are taught all kinds of useless things in school, yet introspection is completely ignored.

It often takes a tragic event or a sense of disorientation for one to wonder about its true nature. So let me save you some time (and hopefully an identity crisis) by giving you a map to self-discovery.

Write an Introduction Letter for Yourself: Imagine you have a pen pal who wants to get to know you in depth. How would you describe yourself? Include who you are, your personality traits, where you come from, and what you want out of life.

PS: I prepared a template for you in case you are more of a reader than a writer.

Write a love letter for yourself: The trick here is imagining you are speaking about somebody, someone you love. The idea is to highlight those aspects of you that are admirable and lovable. I did this a few years ago and I write a new letter every year, because it helps me discover new things about myself.

PS: Don’t be frustrated if you find it hard to write. When a friend tried, she could only see things she hated about herself, so I wrote a love letter to her, and that gave her the courage to finish the letter. If you can’t do it, ask your girlfriend for help.

Write a Diary: This is great for many reasons, but mainly because you materialize your story and thoughts, and you can read yourself changing over time. I’ve written diaries since I was a teenager, and they’ve given me answers to all the whys about my life.

Final Thought

Fair warning: people won’t approve of your security, and many will try to undermine you, some out of envy, others in hopes to control you. However, because you don’t cave in, those who criticize you won’t only accept you; they’ll try to be like you.

The specific relevant content for this request, if necessary, delimited with characters: Confidence allows you to live by your rules, take chances, and have healthier relationships. Picture a day where you wake up, and while preparing for work, you look in the mirror and feel gorgeous. There is a new job opportunity opening, everyone says you shouldn’t apply because there are more qualified candidates, and yet you show up to the interview. The interviewer thinks your attitude is perfect for a managing role, and they offer you the job.

It’s time to celebrate, so you meet your girlfriends for drinks after work. One of them starts talking about her narcissistic boyfriend and praises you for not falling for guys like that. Manipulators no longer see you as prey because your self-esteem is rock solid. The only guys who stick around are those with solid masculinity who are not threatened by confident women. A little tipsy, you arrive home, take a shower, and fall into your bed. It was a good day; you whisper to yourself while sleep carries you through the night.

This and so much more is within your reach; you just have to be brave enough to work on yourself.

If you find this blog post helpful, I invite you to subscribe to My Favorite Person blog for fresh content every week about self-love and relationships.

PS: I would love to read your stories on the comments or you can email me at myfavoritepersonblog@gmail.com

Bibliography

Owens, H. (2015). How to Be More Confident: 9 Tips That Work. Verywell Mind.

Burton, N. (2012). Building Confidence and Self-Esteem. Psychology Today.

Hoge, D. R., Smit, E. K., & Hanson, S. L. (1990). The Educational Importance of Self-Esteem. Health Education Research, 5(3), 395–412. doi:10.1093/her/5.3.395.