My Favorite Person

“A harmful word on the tongue is as dangerous as a venomous serpent on the stroll.”

— Munia Khan

Much is said about physical abuse, when your body is profaned, and visible bruises are its own cry for help. But what about your mind? No one can see the scars that a million words carve into your soul, yet you bleed, you hurt, but there are no consequences for verbal abuse, or at least not as many as there are for a bruise.

When I talk about verbal abuse, I don’t mean one ugly argument on a Saturday night when you were called stupid, or something worse. I mean the systematic slammer of insults on your soul. I mean walking on eggshells, terrified of falling to the floor and being called stupid, or something worse.

And sure, it’s easy to blame yourself, after all, why are you staying with someone who makes your life a living hell? But what only abused people know is that the highs are high, and the lows are low. That the kiss after the storm electrifies you to your bones. For a brief moment, you are happy and filled with hope, but then the cycle repeats itself until it breaks you, and you believe abuse is all you are good for.

Poetry aside, it’s hard enough to fight the ill concept of who you are without someone throwing punches at your mind. Abuse from a lover is bad, but what about the one coming from mom and dad, or that friend who says ‘I love you’ and talks behind your back.

The good news is, there’s a way to break the wheel and before we get to it let me tell you the story of how I healed.

My story with Verbal Abuse

Once upon a time, I was in a relationship with a guy. I looked up to him; he was brilliant and a very gifted writer. He offered the kind of love that is only found in books- the one of breakfast in bed, and poems written on napkins, while a song plays from a vinyl record. He offered the ‘I’m going to make you immortal’ kind of love.

The beginning felt like a movie, he made me feel like the most beautiful, interesting woman there is, but when my head was up high, he always made sure his stood taller. Like when I wrote something I was proud of, he always had a way to tear it into pieces. Little by little, my light started to fade, and my friends could see it, but I thought: they don’t understand, they don’t witness him holding my hand at my lowest, yet somehow my lowest was always around him.

Long story short, we fought for sport, and I found myself constantly defending against his criticism and judgment. One day at five in the morning, his jealousy triggered my animal instinct. I was about to squeeze his throat when suddenly, a wave of awareness washed over me.

I saw myself about to engage in violence and I couldn’t help but wonder how I ended up there? Who was that person drunk on adrenaline and anger? It was my wake-up call, I could walk away or let the relationship destroy me. I never looked back.

How to break free from Verbal Abuse:

After that tempestuous chapter of my dating history, I realized how common verbal abuse is. I created the guide I wish I had when I was younger, aiming to help you recognize and put an end to toxic relationships.

Let’s begin, shall we?

Step 1: Identify what is verbal abuse and what it’s not.

Verbal abuse is a form of psychological abuse that involves spoken, gestured, or written language aimed at harming an individual1. It includes behaviors such as harassing, insulting, scolding, or excessive yelling 2. Verbal abuse can also involve using derogatory terms or making statements intended to frighten, humiliate, or belittle someone3. Such attacks often lead to mental and emotional distress for the victim.

What does verbal abuse look like?

Abusers are masters of their craft. While it’s almost impossible to decipher every trick, here are some of the more basic practices of verbal abuse:

Who is a verbal abuser?

No one in their right mind will enter a wolf’s cage willingly, right? The thing is, sometimes the wolf looks like a harmless dog or a damaged animal in need of love. If that’s true, where does verbal abus come from?

Step 2: Avoid the temptation to fix them.

Chances are, you don’t want to give up on someone you love regardless of how bad they are hurting you. They can change, right? Maybe something can be done to stop the abusive behavior.

Yes, although very difficult, abusive behavior is reversible if the abuser is willing to:

1. Acknowledgment: Admit that the behavior is abusive.
2. Professional Help: Seek guidance from therapists or support groups.
3. Education: Learn about abuse and its underlying causes.
4. Responsibility: Take full accountability for their actions.
5. Empathy: Understand and feel the impact of one’s actions on others.
6. Behavior Change: Actively change behaviors through learned techniques.
7. Commitment: Stick to the change over the long term.
8. Support: Rely on friends, family, or groups for encouragement and accountability.

Feeling hopeful? This is the best-case scenario, like a fairy-tail’s happy ending. Chances are, someone who is comfortable hurting you won’t change for you. They need to do it for themselves because they understand the pain they cast on others.

Let’s say they want to heal. I can’t stress enough why you shouldn’t be part of the process. The risk of relapsing is too high if they have access to hurt you. A relationship where what needs to be fixed is in the other person’s hands, and there’s nothing you can do but suffer their mistakes, it’s a dead end.

Step 3: End the toxic relationship.

That is the best-case scenario; the second-to-worst-case scenario is that you will be manipulated into staying in a toxic relationship that is going to shatter your self-worth.

You are setting yourself up for:

1. Emotional and Psychological Impact: Victims of abuse can experience chronic stress, depression, anxiety, and other severe health conditions due to constant negative feedback.
2. Social Withdrawal: Victims might withdraw from social interactions, exacerbating feelings of loneliness and depression.
3. Physical Health Issues: Chronic stress can lead to significant health issues like heart disease and high blood pressure.
4. Impaired Cognitive Function: The ongoing stress and anxiety can affect your ability to think clearly and make decisions.
5. Impact on Future Relationships: Past abuse can lead to trust issues and difficulties in forming healthy relationships.
6. Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD): Prolonged exposure to abuse can lead to PTSD, a serious mental health condition.
7. Increased Risk of Substance Abuse: To cope with emotional pain, victims might turn to substances, which can lead to addiction.

That is the second to worst-case scenario. Worst-case scenario is that the verbal abuse escalates into physical abuse and that ends with hospitalization, incarceration, or death.

If you made it this far in the article, I beg you to look at yourself as if it were someone you love. Wouldn’t you want that person to seek help, to leave the relationship? I’m not trying to make it sound easy, if it were easy millions of people wouldn’t endure abuse.

The bars keeping your cage from plummeting are not as strong as you think. Money can be earned, housing is available for victims of violence, and if not found in friends and family, there are support groups and therapy resources available.

Step 4: Find Help.

Congratulations, you made it out! Now what? If you have endured abuse for a long time, you are probably going to need help in your healing journey.

Here is a list of resources for victims of abuse:

• National Domestic Violence Hotline (USA): Offers confidential support through a 24/7 hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or online chat.
• Safe Horizon (USA): Provides counseling, legal assistance, and shelter referrals.
• RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network) (USA): Support for sexual assault survivors at rainn.org.
• Women’s Aid (UK): Offers a live chat for women experiencing abuse at womensaid.org.uk.
• Lifeline (Australia): Offers 24/7 crisis support at lifeline.org.au.

Final Thoughts:

The sun was rising when I walked out of my ex’s house. Empty streets and a sense of calm set my mind free to wander among feelings of relief, joy, and uncertainty. I knew in my heart I had made the right decision, and every step away from abuse was a step towards the person I was meant to be.

There is a wonderful show on this matter called Maid by Molly Smith Metzler that is currently on Netflix; it’s about the struggle with verbal abuse and the journey out of it.

If someone truly loves you, they will do everything in their power to stop hurting you. When I say do, I mean DO: therapy, change in behavior, improved communication skills. Carl Gustav Jung said, “You are what you do, not what you say you’ll do’’, ugly crying and empty promises are forms of manipulation if not followed by actions.

Although breaking a cycle of abuse is hard, losing yourself in it is harder. You deserve to feel safe, to be treated with respect and kindness. Anyone who makes you feel otherwise doesn’t belong in your life. Send this guide to those you love so they never have to endure disrespect and mistreatment.

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Bibliography

Fraser, J. (2022). The Bullied Brain: Heal Your Scars and Restore Your Health. New York: Prometheus Books. Available from: Psychology Today.

Office on Women’s Health. February, 2021 . “Emotional and verbal abuse.” U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. Available from: Office on Women’s Health.

Heim, C., & Nemeroff, C.B. (2020). “The invisible scars of emotional abuse: a common and highly harmful form of childhood maltreatment.” BMC Psychiatry, 20, 123. Available at: https://bmcpsychiatry.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/s12888-020-02457-0

Bondy, J., & The Child Mind Institute. (2020). “The Long-Term, Underappreciated Damage of Verbal Abuse.” Child Abuse & Neglect, 104, 104406. Available at: https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0145213420301234

Teicher, M.H. (2020). “Verbal Abuse and the Brain: How Psychological Pain Can Be As Damaging As Physical Pain.” Psychology Today. Available at: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-last-best-cure/202001/verbal-abuse-and-the-brain